WINNEMUCCA — The first official candidate of Special Election 2011 will be in town this week seeking our vote.  The SPJ will not be there to report on all the exciting talking points, though, because the media has been frozen out by  the campaign.

Since I’m reluctant to give oodles of free advertising to someone not showing First Amendment love, for the sake of this editorial the candidate in question will be referred to as Bark Hamoday (the ‘H’ is silent).

Here’s what happened.

Recently I received word Bark would be in town for a political event to be held at the wine shop.  An odd venue choice for a conservative, without question, but I totally approved and it did sound promising.

Trust me, you really haven’t had a good time until you’ve spent the evening with Tea Partiers sipping Chardonnay.

I figure I would quote them raving about their candidate, take pictures of them toasting their candidate, and in return they would buy me drinks all evening.

Win-win, no?

Nay, nay says the Bark Hamoday campaign.  Our event is closed to the media.

Blink, blink.

Then they made a counter-offer.

Instead of free drinks I’m offered the opportunity to hear Bark recite his talking points one-on-one for a story remarkably similar to a hundred other stories all over the Internet and Bark’s website.

Oh, be still my heart.

Because I’m female, and can’t help myself, the situation kicked my imagination into overdrive.  What could he possibility have to say that he doesn’t want reported?  I was breathless with the possibilities.

Did he plan to address the tax thing?  The Medicare thing? Or the fact he and the judge who ultimately limited the number of candidates on the ticket have a business-interest thing?  Would he at last acknowledge the toenails hidden inside his imported Italian leather loafers are painted pink?

Well, he need not worry about me because, 1) I never judge people by their pink toenail polish and 2) I always ask the same question, “Considering recent polling of the American voters shows only gonorrhea is less popular than Congress (though not by much), why do you want this thankless job?”

I guess we’ll never know the answer.

A conservative friend theorized that Bark just wants to have a quiet word with conservatives about some of the things being said about him as concerns taxes and Medicare.

He doesn’t have to address the corruption allegations, according to my friend, because conservatives are okay with Bark’s relationship with the judge so long as it’s only business.

Whatever the big revelation, I hope one of you will come back from the event and share it with the rest of us.  I’ll be sipping Crown Royal and Dr. Pepper – the official cocktail of The SPJ – with heightened anticipation.