An essay on the beauty of the human form (just not mine)

WINNEMUCCA — People are sometimes surprised that I support the proposed Jungo Rd. Landfill.  They'll say, "How can you be a Democrat and support the landfill?"  I didn't know Democrats were supposed to be against properly managed landfills since we -- along with the Republicans -- utilize said resource.  Perhaps I missed a memo.  My reason for supporting the landfill is simple:   I’m too old to be seen naked in public. Allow me to explain.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful and historic opera house on the corner of Melarkey St. and Winnemucca Blvd.  It was old and in need of some renovation, but a debate broke out in the community about whether we should restore the Nixon Opera House or build an Indoor Events Center for rodeos and such things.  Someone, some unknown person, who probably has a hot spot reserved for him in hell, I hope, settled the debate by setting fire to the Nixon Opera House.  The end result was 1) we have the Nixon Lawn where the Nixon Opera House used to stand, 2) the horses and rough stock get the comfort of being indoors in inclement weather, 3) while I have to be outside in various states of undress during winter.  And this is why:

With the Nixon Opera House burned to the ground by the aforementioned jerk, local thespians were left without a venue for presenting their evenings of theatrical entertainment.  When I produce the plays myself, I rent St. Mary’s Church at the Humboldt County Museum Complex.  It’s beautiful and the acoustics are fab -- but not ideal since there are no wings;  the actors must simply make their entrances and exits by walking through the audience.  I'm pretty sure, though, that none of my actors were ever outside naked – except by choice -- because the basement allowed for quick costume changes.  The White Sage Players, however, prefer to perform at the Martin Hotel, which allows the public to have dinner and a show in one convenient location.  It was very nice when we performed Arsenic and Old Lace because I had enough time between scenes to sit down to dinner and drinks (people in the audience just assumed my part was to act drunk – so it all worked out).  However, there’s some definite downsides to performing at The Martin.

For example, there isn’t a place for the actors to perform a quick costume change between scenes.  For our next play, Steel Magnolias, we’ll be doing our quick changes in the alley between the Martin Hotel and the Mineshaft -- a rough-and-tumble local bar.  The location of said bar is handy because if you’re going to see me semi-undressed you’ll definitely want a few cocktails in the proceeding moments.  To be fair, there is some talk of stringing some sheets up so we can have a little privacy while we get naked in the alley by the biker bar.  So far, though, that’s just been talk.

Perhaps with some of the landfill money, along with the insurance money from when the Nixon Opera House was burnt to the ground, we can build a little theatre and maybe the little theatre can have a green room so local actors can bring to an end the custom of performing two shows:  one on the stage and the other in the alley.

There are some folks who believe local residents won't see a nickel of the landfill money because they believe it will be hijacked by the State Government.  Not to worry.  I cover Local Government for a living and those fellas are so artful in their ability to hide money from the government they could teach the mob a few tricks.  Not to worry; it'll all work out.  Or it won't, in which case the inside show begins at 7 p.m., tickets available at the door, and the alley show begins at 7:45 p.m. and will apparently be free to the public.